fuelforthefire | [For Claudia]

This may be the worst idea I've ever had. I mean, on some things Peeta and I are totally in synch, even mostly on this, but we haven't really moved on it since talking about it and deciding it was something we both wanted. But I know me and I've gotten to know him and I'm pretty sure this can be cool. Pretty sure.

So when dinner's done, I send Peeta to the living room with some wine and I go back to my bedroom, pulling out the lingerie I'd bought a couple weeks ago. I men, it's not like crazy lacy or anything but it is easily the raciest thing I have ever worn. Standing in front of the mirror, I run my fingers through my hair pretty much laughing at myself. It's ridiculous and - not gonna lie - kind fun in a naughty kind of way.

Hearing Peeta call, I start a little, realizing that, yeah, I might be hiding a little. But there's no time and... tonight's been good. I think it could be better. So tossing my hair back, I give myself a wink and head out. "I don't know, handsome, how am I?"

It's surprising, but not unwelcome. All of once the worry I had been feeling drains away to be immediately replaced by another type of worry. One that wars with surprise and honestly, excitement. I'm staring, I realise, and my mother is slightly open. Coughing, I nod, putting the wine glass down. Should I stand? Stay sitting? "You look- You look amazing."

I intended to play it cool, but blushing to match my hair is probably not playing it cool. It doesn't feel like playing it cool. It feels all fluttery and nerve-wracking and I half believe I'm going to trip on my way across the room but I manage not to. I might even have managed to be a smidge graceful before I straddle Peeta's lap. Wearing this, I don't really think subtle is on the menu, you know?

"I'm not gonna lie, but the reason I almost burned dinner is because I might have been a little distracted thinking about this all night."

I don’t think that I could play it cool, even if I’d wanted to.Which, with her in my lap looking amazing, I don’t really want to. “Dinner was good,” I insist again, though it’s already a memory long past. Where do I put my hands? Why am I so nervous? My only relief is that if I’m nervous, maybe she is too?

I’m overthinking things, I realise, resting my hands on her waist, fingers splayed over the bare skin. I look up and meet her eyes, smiling at her. “This is better than dinner.”

"I thought it might be." My skin feels warm under his fingers and I can only imagine what it might feel like elsewhere as I lean forward to give him a light kiss. I'm pretty much making this up as I go along, but then that's how I've done the entire relationship so why stop now?

"I was thinking, maybe, if you wanted we could maybe see where things go."

Making up as I go along is a specialty I have. It kept me alive before, and this isn't a life or death situation. At least, I hope it's not. I lean up into the kiss, into her as much as I can. "I feel overdressed," I manage, when our lips part.

"We can certainly fix that if you want." My hands fall to his chest and I take my time to feel the definition under his shirt. Part of me can't wait to get that shirt off so I can feel the shin underneath, but part of me's kind of enjoying this. I've never felt quite like this before and it's weird and kind of awesome all at once. I've been angry and hurt for so long, pretty much since Jinksy up and disappeared on me, that feeling this safe and good is almost foreign.

"Maybe we should." When her hands are on my chest I can't think of much other than the warmth of her skin and that we're here together. Don't rush, I think, and yet I'm not sure I can take my time either. I nod, my hands slipping from her back to the buttons, feeling clumsy and fumbling as I do.

I lean forward to kiss his neck a little as he works on his shirt. Nothing like a little incentive, right? And it feels perfect, being close to him like this, feeling the occasional brush of the back of his hands against my belly and chest as he handles the unbuttoning. Which is a good thing, because I'm pretty sure my fingers would be shaking all over the place if I had to do it. I'm nervous enough as it is about all of this.

Which reminds me, I'm, like, 99.9 percent sure he's good with this, but I should probably make sure. "Glad we're on the same page, I mean, we are, right?"

I'm shrugging out of my shirt when she asks, and I let out a soft laugh, twisting my wrists out of the fabric and bringing my hands to her cheeks and pull her close for a kiss. My lips brush hers and I know that this is exactly the right thing to be doing now, and the right person to be doing it with. "You are amazing, and wonderful and this is probably the best idea you've had all night. Maybe all week."

"Oh, good, because for a second there I was wondering if maybe this was a bit much. The whole lingerie thing. I mean, it was kind of an impulse buy to begin with and those almost never work out and I could probably have been a lot subtler, but then I didn't want any confusion because that would just be a ticket to awkwardville and I... I should probably stop babbling now, shouldn't I?" Wow, that was a lot of words that probably didn't need to be said. Is everyone this crazy the first time they do this with someone? Because I gotta say, I tried to look up suggestions on the internet and even in this little Twilight Zone of a dimension, the internet is still the last place anyone should go for sex advice.

Which leaves me covering my face with my hands for a moment while I wait for it to stop resembling the color of my hair. Smooth, Donovan. way to ruin the moment.

Her babbling is anything but awkward or embarassing, and I'm pretty sure I know where it comes from. I tug her hands away from her face, curling my fingers around hers. "Hey. You can babble whenever you want. Actually, maybe not whenever."

That suggestion leaves me grinning, and I'm sure that my cheeks are as pink and bright as hers. "I love your babbling." I kiss one of her hands before shifting, pulling her close and laying back against the couch. "I get nervous," I whisper, before kissing her again, thinking that maybe it's the best thing for both of us to do with our mouths for the next bit.

Yay, it's not just me. Which I'm not certain is something I should be celebrating, but I'll take the win anyways. Besides, the kissing is working wonders and I can feel myself relaxing a bit, letting Peeta pull me in and making me feel the way he always does, happy. Kind of a big deal in my life post-Warehouse. It's all warm and wonderful which is why I pull away a little after the last kiss, feeling my heart pound as I give his lip a little nibble.

"C'mon, bedroom's this way." I don't want us to get so caught up in things and realize we're still on the sofa. Don't get me wrong, it's a great sofa, but I really don't want to have sex on it. Not tonight at least. Besides, I even did the girly thing and got candles for the bedroom, the whole romantic cliche. I really want this to be something, since we've been waiting and dancing around it for so long. So I give him one last, long kiss before I reluctantly slide off his lap and offer him my hand.

"Okay, no, that's an even better idea." I take her hand and stand, following her to her room. That she has it done up like this makes me stop in the door, my grip tightening on hers. It's obvious that she's gone to a lot of effort and it makes me appreciate it all the more.

"You did all this? For me?"

"For us, both of us." I squeeze his hand back and give him a tug into the room. I'm glad that he likes it, that he appreciates it, because I really want it to be special. And he noticed and I know guys don't always do that and he always does. Guess I found me a keeper, right? God, I wish the everyone could meet him, I mean, I've gotten to meet some of his friends and he only got to meet Steve.

I get up on the bed and pat the space next to me. "I really care about you, about us and this is important so..."

"For us," I repeat as I sit next to her. It's true, this is for the both of us, and it's right for exactly that reason. Amazing, really, that we've even gotten this far. What's the chance of us meeting in a place like this, or even being in a place like this?

I turn, touching her cheek, running my fingers through her hair as I lean in and kiss her again. I hope its enough of an answer.

The kissing is good and I lean in, breathing softly against his lips as I reach to pull him closer. I'm not wearing this for my own amusement. Okay, not entirely my own amusement, but I want him close as close as we can be and closer. I'm beyond ready for this and I cup his face with one hand as I run the other down his chest, feeling the muscle beneath my palm. Eventually I stop, tugging lightly at the band of his pants, almost asking permission to go further.

My breath catches and I nod as I kiss her, all to aware of her hand on my stomach. It's further than I've gone before, and I'm nervous, and yet I figure that she is too, and if I'm going to be nervous at least we're doing this together. The thought makes me smile, and I slip my hand up her back, fumbling with the clasp on the bra until it unlatches.

I try to forget that my hands are shaking, but it's hard when I'm trying to do something like unbuckle my boyfriend's pants. I manage it, but it's not as smooth as I'd like but before I do anything else, I slide my bra off my shoulders. It feels... okay, really kind of terrifying and suddenly I'm kind of wishing that I'd turned up the heat, although... that's probably not the cold that I'm feeling, is it?

Okay, moving on. I toss the bra off the side of the bed and move closer to Peeta, not that there's any huge distance between us anymore. With the same trembling hand I reach into his pants and gently caress him. At least I hope it's gentle I don't really have a lot, read: any experience with this.

It's terrifying and amazing and so many things all at once that I never imagined could happen all at once. My breath catches just looking at her, never mind when she touches me. I want to take things slow and yet I feel like I'll explode already. "I- You're beautiful, you know, right?"

I don't stop stroking him, mostly because right now I need something I can focus on. It's not that I don't think I'm pretty or whatever, because I know I've got some kind of appeal or why would be be here, right? But just hearing him say it like that is... it's big and I don't always do big. Emotionally, I mean. I can do big world-saving things, but this is totally different.

When I finally look up, I know I've got tears in my eyes but I can't help it, "You know I love you, right? And you're the best thing that's happened to me, here or... anywhere, really?"

It's a feeling that I understand and echo completely. I'm lucky, luckier than I've ever been before in my life and I've had more than my share. My thumb rubs away a tear as I lean in, resting my forehead against hers. I'll start crying any moment too, if I'm not already. "You are too. I love you, I mean. You... Why do I never know what to say when I'm around you?"

"Maybe we should stop talking then." I lean in to kiss him again, trying to put everything I can't say into it. Because there just aren't words and every time I try to find them they just... fall apart. I can build a Tesla grenade from the remains of a toaster, but I can't tell my boyfriend exactly how he makes me feel without falling into a pile of goo. And I know my goo.

But none of it matters now because maybe we don't need words tonight. Maybe the warmth spreading through my body and the tickle of his skin so close mine is what we both need to day what we are obviously so bad at saying.

It's probably a good idea, the words a shield and distraction from how vulnerable she makes me feel. I kiss her again pulling her down, my hand sliding down her stomach and over the soft bit of fabric that she still has on. Her skin is warm and yet I'm sure I feel her shiver as I touch her.

God, that feels good, warm and tingly and I follow willingly. Kissing him, I work my way to his ear so I can whisper, "Do you want me to take them off, or do you want to do it?" Because I'm perfectly happy with either. I'm perfectly happy with everything right now, the feel of him against my skin, the feel of his breath on my skin, my skin.

"I can," I whisper, tugging and twisting the fabric away. It slips away and before I can think about the fact that we're both naked I'm kissing her again. Her skin is as soft as the satin had been, my fingers pressing into her thigh as they worked their way back upward.

My hand slips between her ligs and I break the kiss, my lips against her jaw, her neck. What I do know is that I don't want this to be over in seconds, not when it's the first time we've done this and not when she's gone to so much trouble.I tell myself to take my time, but I can't help but flick my eyes upward as I kiss toward the curve of her breasts, wondering what she thinks.

My eyes close when he takes off the underwear, not because I don't want to see, but because for a moment it all feels way too real. In, like, a good way, not a scary way. Well, maybe a little scary seeing as I've never done this with anyone but me, but there it is. Every touch and every warm breath of air on my skin feels like heaven and it's a little overwhelming in the moment.

It's certainly enough to make thinking impossible, especially when his hand slides between my legs and I make a sound that I'm pretty sure I've never made before, somewhere between a gasp and a moan and when I can finally open my eyes I see him looking up at me and I'm lost. There's nothing but him and I smile, giggling a little from sheer nerves as I run my fingers through his hair and open my legs a little. Kinda way past being modest now, right?

She meets my eyes, and I smile even as I kiss alonger her side. It's the reassurance I need to continue, to nip lightly at the swell of her breast. I shift my hand between her legs, exploring and tentative, not wanting to do the wrong thing.

He feels incredible, even in his hesitation and I lean back, enjoying the sensations he's making me feel. I don't think there's anything he or I could do to ruin this moment and I find myself arching beneath his touch. My other hand reaches down to guide him, just a little. I mean, I know me rather intimately, after all and if he needs a little assistance I am more than stoked to provide it, you know?

"Don't be shy, babe."

Those few words are reassuring, the movement of my fingers more decisive. I press my thigh between hers, shifting up to kiss her again. That I want her is obvious, pressing up against her even as I press two fingers inside of her.

That feels... really good actually and I groan, arching closer against him as I return the kiss. I can feel him, hard against my skin and I open myself up to him further, pulling my knee up alongside his hip and hooking my ankle behind him. There's a tingling warmth running through me and if my heart were beating any faster I think it would run right out of my chest.

Seriously, why did we wait so long to do this?

I kiss him harder as I wrap my arms around him, I don't know that I want to rush things along, but I know I want more.

Her encouragement is the kind that I can't ignore. It's hard enough to keep my head without her pulling me back toward her. I shift slightly, but I'm sure there's something we can't manage without, even as much as i want her right now.

"Condom? Something?" I ask it breathlessly, hoping that if she's this prepared she would have thought of some kind of protection.

"Huh?" It takes a minute for my brain to catch up and start thinking again. "Right, I have those. Hold on."

I don't really want to, but I untangle myself from his warm arms and legs to roll over and reach for the side table. Pulling open the drawer, I grab one of the condoms I have stashed there. Because I was thinking at least that far ahead. When I was thinking.

"Here." I pass the packet to him, not really sure I trust myself to do the honors so to speak.

There was a session as part of Barton U intake, where they'd handed out condoms and told us all about the safe sex clinic. I'd watched people blow them up and make water balloons and a few days later I had found the clinic and asked how they were used. The demonstration had been with a cucumber, and as much as I'm grateful for that, this is entirely different. I wonder if she can see my hands shake, and when it's on I have to let out a nervous laugh, the breath I had held to that point. I pull her close again, shifting my thigh over hers and kissing her. I can feel the way I press against her and it's more tempting than anything I've experienced.

I figure there's nothing I can say that will make the situation any more or less awkward so I stay silent until I'm in his arms again, close enough to feel my heartbeat and his. "We okay?"

I hope the answer is yes, because I am beyond ready. I want this, I want him, I want us I want... everything. Too much to put into words. I encourage him with everything I have, my lips, my hands, my leg as I hook it up and around him again. But I don't want to push anything. Not that I'm expecting a no any time soon, but still. It's a big step.

"We are," I say, my voice higher than I'd expected. It makes me smile, knowing that any desire to seem suave has long since passed me by. That's alright, I'd rather seem totally in love with her and involved in the moment, which I am.

Her leg hooks around my hips and I can't resist any longer. I press forward, slow as I push inside of her a bit at a time. I can't help but gasp at the feel of it, at her beneath and around me.

"Oh, God..." My breath catches because this is unlike anything else. I mean, a girl can do a lot on her own, you know, but this is something else, this is.... connection. Trust. Love I guess, although I get why some people might do this casually. This is just... I have to assume it's better.

I feel pressure and pleasure in equal amounts, feeling him slide into me like... there are no words, not really. Suddenly we're together in a way that I couldn't have even imagined and honestly? I imagined a lot. It takes a few seconds for me to relax into it, but when I do, my hips relax and I bury my head in his shoulder.

I kiss her temple, her cheek, I catch her hand with mine and press them both into the sheets. It's the way she moves with me that really gets me, that makes something catch deep in my belly and sets my heart racing faster than it already was. This is something we're completely together on and the differences of our past and our lives don't matter any longer.

[For Claudia]

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