fuelforthefire | [For Claudia]

[For Claudia]

Dinner had been amazing, no matter what Claudia had said or how much she had stressed during cooking. I'd teased her, of course, making faces after my first bite before pronouncing it not only edible but delicious. There would likely be some sort of revenge later, but I didn't mind. things felt easy between us most of the time, like this was how they should be. It was a feeling that I was learning to trust, perhaps more slowly than I should have, but I knew Claudia had her own reservations and reasons for holding back.

I'd offered to do the dishes, but she'd insisted that I go sit on the couch with a glass of wine. I'd agreed, but as the minutes ticked past, I wondered what was going on. Was something wrong? "Claudia?" I called out, half-ready to charge into her bedroom and deal with whatever was keeping her, my mind immediately going to intruders or city mischief. "Are you okay?"

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"For us," I repeat as I sit next to her. It's true, this is for the both of us, and it's right for exactly that reason. Amazing, really, that we've even gotten this far. What's the chance of us meeting in a place like this, or even being in a place like this?

I turn, touching her cheek, running my fingers through her hair as I lean in and kiss her again. I hope its enough of an answer.

The kissing is good and I lean in, breathing softly against his lips as I reach to pull him closer. I'm not wearing this for my own amusement. Okay, not entirely my own amusement, but I want him close as close as we can be and closer. I'm beyond ready for this and I cup his face with one hand as I run the other down his chest, feeling the muscle beneath my palm. Eventually I stop, tugging lightly at the band of his pants, almost asking permission to go further.

My breath catches and I nod as I kiss her, all to aware of her hand on my stomach. It's further than I've gone before, and I'm nervous, and yet I figure that she is too, and if I'm going to be nervous at least we're doing this together. The thought makes me smile, and I slip my hand up her back, fumbling with the clasp on the bra until it unlatches.

I try to forget that my hands are shaking, but it's hard when I'm trying to do something like unbuckle my boyfriend's pants. I manage it, but it's not as smooth as I'd like but before I do anything else, I slide my bra off my shoulders. It feels... okay, really kind of terrifying and suddenly I'm kind of wishing that I'd turned up the heat, although... that's probably not the cold that I'm feeling, is it?

Okay, moving on. I toss the bra off the side of the bed and move closer to Peeta, not that there's any huge distance between us anymore. With the same trembling hand I reach into his pants and gently caress him. At least I hope it's gentle I don't really have a lot, read: any experience with this.

It's terrifying and amazing and so many things all at once that I never imagined could happen all at once. My breath catches just looking at her, never mind when she touches me. I want to take things slow and yet I feel like I'll explode already. "I- You're beautiful, you know, right?"

I don't stop stroking him, mostly because right now I need something I can focus on. It's not that I don't think I'm pretty or whatever, because I know I've got some kind of appeal or why would be be here, right? But just hearing him say it like that is... it's big and I don't always do big. Emotionally, I mean. I can do big world-saving things, but this is totally different.

When I finally look up, I know I've got tears in my eyes but I can't help it, "You know I love you, right? And you're the best thing that's happened to me, here or... anywhere, really?"

It's a feeling that I understand and echo completely. I'm lucky, luckier than I've ever been before in my life and I've had more than my share. My thumb rubs away a tear as I lean in, resting my forehead against hers. I'll start crying any moment too, if I'm not already. "You are too. I love you, I mean. You... Why do I never know what to say when I'm around you?"

"Maybe we should stop talking then." I lean in to kiss him again, trying to put everything I can't say into it. Because there just aren't words and every time I try to find them they just... fall apart. I can build a Tesla grenade from the remains of a toaster, but I can't tell my boyfriend exactly how he makes me feel without falling into a pile of goo. And I know my goo.

But none of it matters now because maybe we don't need words tonight. Maybe the warmth spreading through my body and the tickle of his skin so close mine is what we both need to day what we are obviously so bad at saying.

It's probably a good idea, the words a shield and distraction from how vulnerable she makes me feel. I kiss her again pulling her down, my hand sliding down her stomach and over the soft bit of fabric that she still has on. Her skin is warm and yet I'm sure I feel her shiver as I touch her.

God, that feels good, warm and tingly and I follow willingly. Kissing him, I work my way to his ear so I can whisper, "Do you want me to take them off, or do you want to do it?" Because I'm perfectly happy with either. I'm perfectly happy with everything right now, the feel of him against my skin, the feel of his breath on my skin, my skin.

"I can," I whisper, tugging and twisting the fabric away. It slips away and before I can think about the fact that we're both naked I'm kissing her again. Her skin is as soft as the satin had been, my fingers pressing into her thigh as they worked their way back upward.

My hand slips between her ligs and I break the kiss, my lips against her jaw, her neck. What I do know is that I don't want this to be over in seconds, not when it's the first time we've done this and not when she's gone to so much trouble.I tell myself to take my time, but I can't help but flick my eyes upward as I kiss toward the curve of her breasts, wondering what she thinks.

My eyes close when he takes off the underwear, not because I don't want to see, but because for a moment it all feels way too real. In, like, a good way, not a scary way. Well, maybe a little scary seeing as I've never done this with anyone but me, but there it is. Every touch and every warm breath of air on my skin feels like heaven and it's a little overwhelming in the moment.

It's certainly enough to make thinking impossible, especially when his hand slides between my legs and I make a sound that I'm pretty sure I've never made before, somewhere between a gasp and a moan and when I can finally open my eyes I see him looking up at me and I'm lost. There's nothing but him and I smile, giggling a little from sheer nerves as I run my fingers through his hair and open my legs a little. Kinda way past being modest now, right?

She meets my eyes, and I smile even as I kiss alonger her side. It's the reassurance I need to continue, to nip lightly at the swell of her breast. I shift my hand between her legs, exploring and tentative, not wanting to do the wrong thing.

He feels incredible, even in his hesitation and I lean back, enjoying the sensations he's making me feel. I don't think there's anything he or I could do to ruin this moment and I find myself arching beneath his touch. My other hand reaches down to guide him, just a little. I mean, I know me rather intimately, after all and if he needs a little assistance I am more than stoked to provide it, you know?

"Don't be shy, babe."

Those few words are reassuring, the movement of my fingers more decisive. I press my thigh between hers, shifting up to kiss her again. That I want her is obvious, pressing up against her even as I press two fingers inside of her.

That feels... really good actually and I groan, arching closer against him as I return the kiss. I can feel him, hard against my skin and I open myself up to him further, pulling my knee up alongside his hip and hooking my ankle behind him. There's a tingling warmth running through me and if my heart were beating any faster I think it would run right out of my chest.

Seriously, why did we wait so long to do this?

I kiss him harder as I wrap my arms around him, I don't know that I want to rush things along, but I know I want more.

Her encouragement is the kind that I can't ignore. It's hard enough to keep my head without her pulling me back toward her. I shift slightly, but I'm sure there's something we can't manage without, even as much as i want her right now.

"Condom? Something?" I ask it breathlessly, hoping that if she's this prepared she would have thought of some kind of protection.

"Huh?" It takes a minute for my brain to catch up and start thinking again. "Right, I have those. Hold on."

I don't really want to, but I untangle myself from his warm arms and legs to roll over and reach for the side table. Pulling open the drawer, I grab one of the condoms I have stashed there. Because I was thinking at least that far ahead. When I was thinking.

"Here." I pass the packet to him, not really sure I trust myself to do the honors so to speak.

There was a session as part of Barton U intake, where they'd handed out condoms and told us all about the safe sex clinic. I'd watched people blow them up and make water balloons and a few days later I had found the clinic and asked how they were used. The demonstration had been with a cucumber, and as much as I'm grateful for that, this is entirely different. I wonder if she can see my hands shake, and when it's on I have to let out a nervous laugh, the breath I had held to that point. I pull her close again, shifting my thigh over hers and kissing her. I can feel the way I press against her and it's more tempting than anything I've experienced.

I figure there's nothing I can say that will make the situation any more or less awkward so I stay silent until I'm in his arms again, close enough to feel my heartbeat and his. "We okay?"

I hope the answer is yes, because I am beyond ready. I want this, I want him, I want us I want... everything. Too much to put into words. I encourage him with everything I have, my lips, my hands, my leg as I hook it up and around him again. But I don't want to push anything. Not that I'm expecting a no any time soon, but still. It's a big step.

"We are," I say, my voice higher than I'd expected. It makes me smile, knowing that any desire to seem suave has long since passed me by. That's alright, I'd rather seem totally in love with her and involved in the moment, which I am.

Her leg hooks around my hips and I can't resist any longer. I press forward, slow as I push inside of her a bit at a time. I can't help but gasp at the feel of it, at her beneath and around me.

"Oh, God..." My breath catches because this is unlike anything else. I mean, a girl can do a lot on her own, you know, but this is something else, this is.... connection. Trust. Love I guess, although I get why some people might do this casually. This is just... I have to assume it's better.

I feel pressure and pleasure in equal amounts, feeling him slide into me like... there are no words, not really. Suddenly we're together in a way that I couldn't have even imagined and honestly? I imagined a lot. It takes a few seconds for me to relax into it, but when I do, my hips relax and I bury my head in his shoulder.

I kiss her temple, her cheek, I catch her hand with mine and press them both into the sheets. It's the way she moves with me that really gets me, that makes something catch deep in my belly and sets my heart racing faster than it already was. This is something we're completely together on and the differences of our past and our lives don't matter any longer.

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[For Claudia]

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