[[December - for Effie]]

[fuelforthefire]

They were gone.

I sat for a long time after Prim had fled. I wanted to chase after her but I'd known she could run faster than I could. For now I would leave her, and later I'd go to the house and check in. Make sure that she was okay.

There were things I had to do, people I had to tell. Claudia was the one I thought of first, and then Effie.

How was I going to tell Effie? We haven't spoken in weeks, not since I'd left her at a table at a restaurant. I had to see her now, though, and tell her that Katniss was gone. That Finnick was gone. She deserved to hear that from me, and not learn it when she tried to call or go by and see one of them.

I don't remember how I got to the studio. Walked, I thought, but I wasn't sure. All I knew was they let me in and led me to a couch outside of her dressing room. The show woud be done taping soon, they'd told me, getting me a bottle of water.

All I could do was wait, and then break the news to her. News I didn't want to share with anyone, because saying the words would make it real.

I listened to them cheering and laughing in the studio and I almost laugh. This wasn't the right time, I could do this later.

Standing, I turned to leave, I even made it halfway to the door. But I couldn't leave. I had to tell her. No matter how hard it was to admit, Katniss and Finnick were gone. I had to stay.

Comments

[smiles_on]

She'd wanted to call him a million times since that night, even got so far as to dial his number once or twice, but she always stopped herself. She was learning -- slowly, but she was learning -- that sometimes a little time and space were best. Of course she wouldn't let the silence go on indefinitely, but she'd clearly upset him and if he needed some distance from her for a bit...well, she didn't have to like it. She just had to accept it.

Which is why she's so ridiculously delighted when Samira tells her Peeta is waiting backstage. She'd though maybe she'd get a message or a phone call first, but this is so much better. She's missed him desperately and maybe this means he's forgiven her. She takes a moment to collect herself before she goes to see him, the adrenaline of the stage still coursing through her. But her smile drops away the instant she lays eyes on him.

"Peeta? What's wrong?" The last few weeks are instantly forgotten as she reaches out for him. "You look...what's happened?"

[fuelforthefire]

I never thought this would be easy, but I didn't think that it would be so hard either. Seeing Effie made me realise how hard it woud be, my face crumpling when I saw her.

"She's gone," I said, my voice catching. I couldn't wait and couldn't make it seem nice. "Katniss, she's gone, and so is Finnick."

[smiles_on]

She doesn't say a word, just keeps blinking and looking at him as though everything will come into focus if she does that. As if what he just said will somehow make sense. But it doesn't. All that happens is the sensation of time slowing down, of everything narrowing, until all she can see is Peeta and her mind feels completely clear of thoughts.

"No," she says finally, almost laughing at the absurdity of what she thinks he's just told her. "I...that can't be right. Peeta. That can't be right."

[fuelforthefire]

I wish that she was right, that this wasn't possible. I wish that she could make it wrong, that her words could bring them back. "I wish that I was. I really wish that I was. But I'm not."

I scrub my hands through my hair, twisting my fingers in the ends - too long, it's been too long since I've cut it. "She's gone Effie."

[smiles_on]

Her vision swims and for a moment she thinks she might faint right there on the spot. She reaches a hand out for balance, trying to find something sturdy to lean on while her whole body flushes from hot to cold.

"You --" her voice breaks and she swallows hard before trying again. "You're sure. You're absolutely sure."

She knows the answer even while she's saying the words. He never would have come here this way if he wasn't, but she has to ask anyway. She has to because the alternative is acceptance and she can't do that. She simply can't.

[fuelforthefire]

Am I sure? I haven’t gone to her house myself, haven’t searched her out. Calling her phone would do nothing; she often didn’t answer it when she didn’t want to. But I had seen the way Prim looked at me and heard the loss and rage and sorrow in her voice.

I reach out, my arm steadying her. Then I nod, and it’s an admission I’ve never wanted to make. “I’m sure.”